Fwd: CHRISTMAS with LOUISE

Wed, 31 Oct 2001 12:47:52 EST

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Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 12:42:53 EST
Subject: Fwd: CHRISTMAS with LOUISE
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not sure why i laughed so hard but i did.

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Subject: Fwd: [Fwd: CHRISTMAS with LOUISE]
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Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 16:14:37 -0800
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Subject: [Fwd: CHRISTMAS with LOUISE]
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carl.masthay@harcourt.com wrote:

> [Compliments to Valgard Jonsson, who relayed it.]
>  This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
> Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
> Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
>
> "Christmas with Louise"
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
> over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he
> wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about
> Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
> Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
> overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
> sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
> doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
>
> I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
> never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
> confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
> like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who
> would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable
> doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
> doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
> truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
> many different models. The top of the line, according to
> the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a
> book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
> Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To
> call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
> Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan
> and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after
> Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
> with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk
> on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple
> of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
> been to his house and left a present that had made him
> VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would
> bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
> more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
> panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her
> when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
> the door.
> "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly
> explained, "It's a doll."
> "Who would play with something like that?" Granny
> snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my
> mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
> continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
> Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But
> Granny was relentless.
>
> "Why doesn't she have any  teeth?" Again, I could have
> answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
> wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
> saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
> sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by
> the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few
> minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
> to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
> was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
> Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
> who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
> when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot
> like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
> lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice,
> and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat
> screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
> Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and
> began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
> brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
> and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
> examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
> We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember
> to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
> wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
> health.
>
> Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
> I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out
> of the house.
>
> Others say, Law is our Fate;  Others say, Law is our State;  Others say,
> others say Law is no more, Law has gone away."  From "Law Like Love," by W.
> H. Auden (1939).

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