Getting old can be fun, uh, funny.
Frances Morey
frances_morey@yahoo.com
Thu, 22 May 2003 21:10:15 -0700 (PDT)
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These are some good! I laughed and laughed...
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"What?," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
>
>
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.
>
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
>
>
SPEEDING ALONG
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers,
a State Police officer sees a car puttering along
at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and
pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices
that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat and
three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?
"Ma'am," the officer
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than
the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old
woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119... "
>
> SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
>
>
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large
car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
>
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection.
>
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
>
Mildred turned to her and
said, "Oh mercy, am I driving?"
>
>
> NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
>
>
> ROMANCE
>
An older couple were lying
in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
>
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to
kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
>
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of
bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
>
>
DOWN
AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what I have in my hand. If so, they will
get to have sex with me.
> >
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie
thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
>
>
> SENIOR SEX
Two 90-year-olds
had been dating for some time, when the man told the
woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?"
The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.
Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to
himself, "My word, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My word,
if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
>
>
SEE.NILE
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in
and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath?"
>
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
>
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and
says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door."
---------------------------------
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<DIV>These are some good! I laughed and laughed... <BR> <BR> <BR>SENIOR DRIVING <BR> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his <BR>car phone rang. <BR></DIV>
<DIV>Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, <BR>"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"What?," said Herman, "It's not just <BR>one car. It's hundreds of them!" <BR>> <BR>> <BR> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" <BR>Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine <BR>March day. <BR>> <BR>One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" <BR>"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." <BR>And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." <BR> > <BR>> <BR>SPEEDING ALONG <BR>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to <BR>catch speeding drivers, <BR>a State Police officer sees a car puttering along <BR>at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as </DIV>
<DIV>dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and </DIV>
<DIV>pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices <BR>that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat and <BR>three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as ghosts. <BR></DIV>
<DIV>The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't <BR>understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems</DIV>
<DIV>to be the problem?</DIV>
<DIV>"Ma'am," the officer <BR>replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that </DIV>
<DIV>driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to <BR>other drivers." <BR></DIV>
<DIV> "Slower than <BR>the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the <BR>speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old </DIV>
<DIV>woman says a bit proudly. <BR></DIV>
<DIV>The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to <BR>her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. <BR> A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for <BR>pointing out her error. <BR></DIV>
<DIV> "But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask... <BR>Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." <BR> "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route <BR>119... " <BR> <BR>> <BR>> SENIOR MOMENTS II <BR>Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the <BR>years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. </DIV>
<DIV>Lately, their activities had been <BR>limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. <BR> One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and <BR>said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long <BR>time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, <BR>but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." <BR> Her friend glared at her. For at least three <BR>minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? <BR>> <BR>> <BR>> DRIVING <BR>> Two elderly women were out driving in a large <BR>car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were</DIV>
<DIV>cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was </DIV>
<DIV>red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". <BR>> <BR> After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting <BR>nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the <BR>road and the next intersection. <BR>> <BR>At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you <BR>know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" <BR>> <BR>Mildred turned to her and <BR>said, "Oh mercy, am I driving?" <BR>> <BR>> <BR>> NURSING HOME <BR> One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing <BR>home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. <BR> She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over <BR>sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. <BR>"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. <BR>"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart." <BR>> <BR>> <BR>> ROMANCE <BR>> <BR> An older couple were lying <BR>in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife </DIV>
<DIV>was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. </DIV>
<DIV>She said: "You used to hold my hand when we <BR>were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. <BR>> <BR>A few moments later she said: "Then you used to <BR>kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. <BR>> <BR>Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of <BR>bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. <BR> "To get my teeth!" <BR>> <BR>> <BR> DOWN <BR>AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER <BR> 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. <BR> She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, <BR>"Anyone who can guess what I have in my hand. If so, they will</DIV>
<DIV>get to have sex with me.<BR>> > <BR> An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie <BR> thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." <BR>> <BR>> <BR>> SENIOR SEX <BR> Two 90-year-olds <BR>had been dating for some time, when the man told the <BR> woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" </DIV>
<DIV>The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. <BR> Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to <BR>himself, "My word, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" <BR></DIV>
<DIV>Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My word, <BR>if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose." <BR>> <BR>> <BR>SEE.NILE <BR>Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. </DIV>
<DIV>One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in </DIV>
<DIV>and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or <BR>out of the bath?" <BR>> <BR> The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come <BR>up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. </DIV>
<DIV> Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" <BR>> <BR>The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, </DIV>
<DIV>listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and <BR>says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."</DIV>
<DIV>She knocks on wood for good measure. </DIV>
<DIV>She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you </DIV>
<DIV>as soon as I see who's at the door." <BR><BR></DIV><p><hr SIZE=1>
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