[AGL] Just in case this opednews piece got past ya'...

[Frances Morey]

        Move over, Ambrose...
   
  March 19, 2006

The Devil’s New Dictionary - Part 9 
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    Truth with a Wicked Grin: Business, Part 5   by Mark S. Tucker 
  http://www.opednews.com
  The Devil’s New Dictionary - Part 9
Truth with a Wicked Grin: Business, Part 5
by Mark S. Tucker

This ends, for the moment, the slag on business. although a few stray entries will be included in the addendal next installation. 

PAWNBROKER - the first entry on the Wall Street genealogical chart

PAYCHECK - the weekly incoming exterior valuation of one’s life’s worth

PENNILESSNESS - the root of all evil

PENSION - that part of an employee’s compensatory monies which a company withholds in an illegally quasi-contractual scheme, protecting it for future plunder after sufficiently attractive capitalization

PHILANTHROPIST - what one suddenly becomes when one is badly in need of a tax credit, some flattering Public Relations, or an ability to evade the judiciary

PLAQUE - a noxious commemoration immortalizing trivial achievements by management - not for nothing is the honor named after an escharotic, gummy, repulsive residue whose presence signifies decay

POST - to mail, if time is no object

PREMIUM - 1. a term applied to sub-standard materials; 2. the monies one shovels over to an insurance company to procure a paper filled with what appears to be Venusian gerunds, infinitives, and prepositions

PRESENTATION - a mannered and stylish showcasing of those items which an artist, musician, or businessman wishes to force down your throat

PRETENTIOUS - the low-class aiming for the high-class through middle-class audiences

PROFIT - a method for overcharging

PROTECTION - what the mafias tried to sell you until they became companies; now called ‘insurance’

QUALITY - a sliding determination of integrity ascertained by the gullibility of the consumer

QUARTER - a post-taxes dollar

RARE - an otherwise unremarkable item which has had all its clones and duplicates eradicated in order to become sellable

RECOVERY - what Republicans call a momentary uptick in a plummeting economy

RELIQUARY - 1. the repository for anything with a grossly inflated notion about itself; 2. a jewel-box with elephantiasis

RETIREMENT - the slush fund a company holds against the advent of a government of more and cleverer thieves than itself

ROBBERY - theft performed by the inept; termed as ‘trade’ when executed by a businessman

SAUSAGE - the method by which the butcher sells fat and gristle as meat, at premium price

SCREWING OFF - the only action in which the poor get to imitate the rich, other than by a fluke of the Lottery

SECRETARY - one who is, since the removal of amorous hiring criteria from the workplace, largely useless and not dissimilar to a welfare recipient

SECURITY - 1. what one thinks one buys through insurance - which promises monies only long after one has already been violated; 2. the illusion that one can purchase respect, protection, or honesty

SPECIAL - the same as anything else but with better advertising

SPECIALIST - a designation that allows one to avoid saying “Sorry, that’s all I’ve been educated in!” and still be admired for it

STOCK - 1. to sequester unnecessary amounts of useless products; 2. a synonym equally for ‘bovine’ or ‘human’; 3. a scrap of paper whose valuation defies sense and logic, a fictitious commodity issued by a fictitious person (corporation), monitored by a fictitious worker (CEO), and subject to fictitious police (SEC), all with an equally literary cousin in the stage arts, ironically, a funny bit of repertory; 4. a wealth transference system in which a broker manages your money for his benefit

STOCK MARKET - a place where sheep, imagining themselves bulls, go to get fleeced or skinned

SUBURBAN - a refuge for those who have been aggressive enough to suborn an inequitous portion of assets and escape his beloved fellows 

SUBVERSION - an act of going against business’ interests in favor of humanity’s

THRIFT - a trait the wealthy and poor both have in abundance, though through different motives and by different means

WALT DISNEY - a corporate Brown Shirt who made the trained run on time, recreating animators in his own image: a mouse

WAR - coerced mass trauma induced by business, social engineering of the directest sort: through the profit motive

WORK - 1. that which is accomplished to make someone else rich; 2. tribal ritual connected to the production of fetish items largely useless to necessity and inadequate or impertinent to real luxury or wealth; 3. indenture given sanctity through carefully engineered denials of birthright

WORK ETHIC - a code of conduct that the employee is coerced to abide by, upon pain of termination, which the employer himself does not observe, abusing it at every possible turn, and which Employee Relations rides herd on, to prevent the employee from becoming too much like the employer

WORKER’S DREAM - said to be the fancy that an equitable and ethical intercooperation may be had by workers with managers and owners so that work can be conducted in the most expeditious and profitable manner for all involved; in truth, it is only this: to win the Lottery in order never to have to work for another a-hole ever again

YES - the employee’s only syllable of negotiation

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NEXT: An interim addendum to catch entries overlooked in earlier installments, then on to...religion.

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  Mark S. Tucker, a critic, has written for numerous national newsrack magazines and websites over the past 20 years, as well as for this forum. He can be reached at progdawg at hotmail.com. This article is originally published at opednews.com. Copyright Mark S. Tucker, but permission is granted for reprint in print, email, blog, or web media so long as this credit is attached.
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