[AGL] Fw: SFGate: Sluts & Salvation/Also: Mysterious chicken, drooling Facebook, maniac presidents. Can you help?

[Frances Morey]

> Testing, texting.calm, love Mark Morford on all topics,

> excepting the

> Columbine related sales pitch for Kindle @ amazon.com. I

> love it when he

> goes eclectic, covers the waterfront and spins the prop

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> This article was sent to you by someone who found it on

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> The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:

> http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/g/a/2009/04/17/notes041709.DTL

> 

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Friday, April 17, 2009 (SF Gate)

> Sluts & Salvation/Also: Mysterious chicken, drooling

> Facebook, maniac presidents. Can you help?

> By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

> 

> 

>    Skimming the ocean of news effluvia, trying to make

> sense of the beauty

> and the pain, the sacred and the profane, whipsawing

> between the agony and

> the ecstasy like a bipolar ferret in God's own meth lab

> of love.

> 

>    Trying to work out where the following stories fit in

> the Grand Continuum.

> Can you help?

> 

>    SWF Seeks Love, Redemption, Jell-O Shots

> 

>    In our perverse, celeb-crazed culture, there's

> really only one surefire

> way to redeem your reputation as a young, alcoholic,

> borderline insane,

> wannabe Jew/lesbian tabloid queen who trashed her

> once-promising film

> career in favor of hopping in and out of rehab until about

> 2017, at which

> point she will marry Stephen Baldwin and devote her life to

> a very creepy

> version of Jesus that you should never, ever pray to.

> 

>    Two little (hyphenated) words: self-deprecation.

> 

>    Seems Lindsay Lohan just made a reasonably amusing video

> for Will

> Ferrell's Funny Or Die e-joint, a mock eHarmony dating

> 'profile' wherein

> she reveals, in likeable deadpan, a respectable amount of

> smart

> self-awareness of her own ridiculous tabloid foibles. Could

> this mean she

> might not be quite as insane, humorless, or stupid as

> everyone thinks?

> That is, if you bother to think of her at all? Let us hope.

> 

>    (Note: Technique also works in reverse. See: Portman,

> Natalie; SNL).

> 

>    Benedict XIV: Still Insatiable

> 

>    Under-the-radar news item that no one really cares about

> but which is

> sadly revealing anyway: Seems the Vatican has vetoed three

> of President

> Obama's nominations for U.S. ambassador, apparently

> because said noms dare

> to have opinions of their own, opinions that do not gibe

> with strict

> Vatican dogma which states that all ambassadors must be a)

> old men, b)

> terrified of vaginas c) believe condoms make babies

> explode. White House

> sources report that President Obama is considering

> replacing entire

> archaic Catholic orthodoxy in America with chain of

> American Apparel

> outlets.

> 

>    In related news, Pope Benedict XIV recently celebrated

> his 82nd birthday

> by releasing a new children's book. Contrary to rumors,

> "Gary, the Scary

> Gay Pagan Condom" will not be a pop-up book.

> 

>    Children of A Lesser Oh My God I Really, Really Did Not

> Want to Know This

> 

>    Thank you. Thank you so much for ruining "Children

> of a Lesser God" for

> me, Ms. Matlin, by pointing out in your new book that you

> were a lonely

> 19-year-old cokehead and William Hurt was a complete

> jackass who used to

> smack you around, and you were both in a mutually abusive,

> destructive

> relationship for two solid years after that gorgeous movie

> came out

> because he was an alcoholic and you were a drug addict and

> it was 1987 and

> that's just the way you did it back then. Terrific.

> I'll add it to the

> pile of celebrity effluvia I had absolutely zero desire to

> learn.

> 

>    Wait. Check that. The movie is now 10 times better. I

> don't know what I

> was thinking. I'm going to watch it again, right now,

> with an entirely new

> perspective. Except this time? No crying.

> 

>    Search: Erotic Lesbian Fine Art Jesus Butt Photography

>    Good news. Another major American corporation has come

> forth to announce

> that, despite all those annoying Twitter rumors, it is not

> afflicted by,

> nor is it kneeling before the sad, panicky altar of, the

> increasingly

> pitiable anti-gay movement.

> 

>    At least, that's what Amazon.com is saying. There

> remains a slight hint of

> suspicion floating about re: the recent

> "accidental" de-ranking of

> thousands of gay-themed books from the megasite, as

> it's just slightly too

> odd and coincidental in the wake of recent events in

> Vermont and Iowa.

> Plus, Amazon's search algorithm might itself be sort of

> homophobic, which

> is just the cutest claim ever.

> 

>    But hey, let's give them the benefit and move on,

> shall we? After all,

> there are far more sad, flat-out homophobic Jesus fish to

> fry (hi, NOM!)

> 

>    Tastes Like Chicken, Isn't

>    Speaking of frying, KFC says it's taking a big risk

> by going against its

> own eponymous policy of dunking everything it sells in

> giant vats of

> mysterious, boiling grease and turning it into toxic

> heart-attack lumps of

> barely edible, fried, food-like items, by introducing a

> chicken product

> that will, for the first time ever, actually not be fried,

> but will

> instead be grilled.

> 

>    The move is designed to appeal to a very unusual

> demographic: Americans

> who are just health conscious enough to understand that

> fried equals

> bad/unhealthy/obese, but not so health conscious to

> understand that KFC

> itself equals noxious, frozen, sterilized,

> industrial-farmed quasi-chicken

> so pumped on growth hormones and antibiotics it would choke

> a rabid dog,

> which is probably what you're eating anyway. Shhh.

> 

>    Obama Resolves Riemann Hypothesis

>    In which the World's Greatest President (WGP)

> continues to infuriate and

> confound his GOP critics by taking on -- and checking off

> -- so many

> impossibly ambitious projects and issues so quickly, so

> calmly, so

> impressively, that not only can't they keep track, but

> they can't write

> snarling, simpleminded, wrong-headed on-air commentaries

> and blog posts

> fast enough to string together a cohesive narrative of fear

> and outrage

> before Obama's already moved on and announced he's

> going to colonize the

> moon and cure oak blight and teach the world to communicate

> with dolphins.

> 

>    Upshot: Total frothing extremist gibberish. Secession!

> Guns! Teabagging!

> Tears! Fascism! Limbaugh! The right-wing punditry frying

> itself to a

> panicky crisp like a giant KFC Family Bucket of

> frustration! Absolute

> genius, Mr. President.

> 

>    No Trenchcoats. No Drugs. Same Inexplicable Madness

>    Did you know the 1999 Columbine high school massacre

> never really

> happened? At least, not in the way you think it happened?

> That Harris and

> Kleibold were, in fact, not goth loners in the

> "Trenchcoat Mafia" who wore

> cowboy dusters and took antidepressants and targeted jocks,

> blacks or

> Christians because they felt like bullied outcasts? And

> that the parents

> of both teens have probably been very, very unfairly

> savaged?

> 

>    Well, it's true. Turns out much of the horrible,

> hysteria-filled narrative

> we have all come to believe as fact about that fateful day

> is not, in

> fact, very factual at all. And some new books on the

> matter, coming on the

> 10th anniversary of the massacre, spell it all out in

> rather astonishing

> detail.

> 

>    Did the media merely do a lousy job investigating? Did

> the FBI provide

> bogus information because they failed to search very deeply

> in the midst

> of the media frenzy and the need for convenient answers?

> Does it matter?

> Of course it does. This is America. We have to blame

> someone. Marilyn

> Manson? Gay marriage? Lindsay Lohan?

> 

>    Jenny is totily supozed 2B studying right now LOL!!

>    A new study of 219 Ohio State students claims that

> Facebook is making them

> dumber overall. The reasoning? When said students are

> wasting time on

> Facebook and/or taping their boyfriend's puppy to the

> refrigerator, they

> are most likely not reading their poli-sci textbooks and

> highlighting

> outdated passages they will forget almost instantly but

> which might, like,

> totally be on the mid-term.

> 

>    In related news: porn, masturbation, iPods, beer, TV,

> CollegeHumor.com, US

> Weekly, comic books and general overall slacking report

> being "totally

> relieved" to be off the hook for a change. "Hell

> yeah, it's all Facebook's

> fault!" exclaimed Ohio State sophomore Dave "The

> Rave" Filbert's giant

> skull-shaped bong.

> 

> Thoughts about this column? E-mail Mark.

> 

> Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every

> Wednesday and Friday on

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